Thursday, October 25, 2012
My whole life I have believed that I can’t.
I can’t be a singer.
I can’t be a doctor.
I can’t be a marine biologist.
I can’t be an actress.
I can’t be an archeologist.
I can’t be an astronaut.
I can’t be an athlete.
Voices in my head, voices from all around kept me from believing that I could actually DO those things. That I could actually do something risky, something hard.
Don’t dream too big, the well-meaning voices said. Don’t be silly. You can’t do that. That's too hard. Just do something normal...just do something safe.
Sometimes I hate safe.
I hate not reaching out when I know I have the ability to do it.
I hate not making a phone call because I’ve called them the last few times and it’s their turn.
I hate not rocking the boat.
I hate all the damn politeness.
I hate all the BORING, MEANINGLESS conversation about NOTHING.
Why do I let those voices speak to me? Why do I LISTEN??
Who knows what I might have been, done, accomplished had I actually believed in myself. Had I been aware of my gifts, of what I WAS CREATED to do, of what my strengths and interests were. Bad choices, people-pleasing, fear of failure; I hold myself entirely responsible.
But God has used it all, of course. Maybe He's allowed the struggle because this is part of my unique call. His grace covers the whole mess of it, and every day, every year of struggling to find my self-worth, of struggling to find my unique-ness, is being redeemed before my eyes.
And by that grace, I am starting to see.
I see my gifts.
I see my interests.
I see the ways He has geared me.
I see my unique-ness.
I see my potential.
I am starting to see my purpose.
Seeing all of this, coming at me in an onslaught of visions and dreams, scares me. A lot. I want to be brave, and brave does not really run in my bloodlines. Safe runs in my blood, and every time I choose brave, I fight against a strong current that wants to keep me mainstream. A current that seems safe, but is really a riptide of risks not taken, and a flood of mediocrity that threatens my sanity.
What is brave?
Brave is stepping out and trying something new.
Brave is taking chances.
Brave is trying, knowing that I could fail.
Brave is believing that I can succeed.
Brave is believing that I WILL succeed.
Brave is changing habits.
Brave is running, and falling, and getting up.
Brave is continuing to get up even after falling 99 times.
Brave is keeping on with the race until it's over.
Brave is being vulnerable.
Brave is being honest and real.
Brave is being myself.
Brave is trusting others.
Brave is forgiving others.
Brave is forgiving myself.
Brave is choosing Joy.
Brave is smiling at the days to come.
Brave is being thankful for everything, and asking for nothing to change.
A quote from one of my favorite bloggers, who was brave all of her days:
“I’ve learned to appreciate the simplicity in my moments. I’ve learned that being thankful in everything is more important than being thankful for something. I want to be grateful for everything in my life, not just the special moments.” Sara Frankl, Gitzengirl
We are human and we posses the unique ability to change...to change our habits, to change our attitudes, to change our hearts. We can change...we are not stuck. The road is hard and long and feels endless sometimes, with detours and closed roads and potholes and ditches. But today I will choose to believe that with God's grace, change is possible. Brave is possible.
I can do hard things.
I CAN DO HARD THINGS.