brave

 

 
My whole life I have believed that I can’t.

I can’t be a singer.
I can’t be a doctor.
I can’t be a marine biologist.
I can’t be an actress.
I can’t be an archeologist.
I can’t be an astronaut.
I can’t be an athlete.

Voices in my head, voices from all around kept me from believing that I could actually DO those things. That I could actually do something risky, something hard.

Don’t dream too big, the well-meaning voices said.  Don’t be silly. You can’t do that. That's too hard. Just do something normal...just do something safe.

Sometimes I hate safe.

I hate not reaching out when I know I have the ability to do it.
I hate not making a phone call because I’ve called them the last few times and it’s their turn.
I hate not rocking the boat.
I hate all the damn politeness.
I hate all the BORING, MEANINGLESS conversation about NOTHING.

Why do I let those voices speak to me? Why do I LISTEN??

Who knows what I might have been, done, accomplished had I actually believed in myself. Had I been aware of my gifts, of what I WAS CREATED to do, of what my strengths and interests were. Bad choices, people-pleasing, fear of failure; I hold myself entirely responsible.

But God has used it all, of course. Maybe He's allowed the struggle because this is part of my unique call. His grace covers the whole mess of it, and every day, every year of struggling to find my self-worth, of struggling to find my unique-ness, is being redeemed before my eyes.

And by that grace, I am starting to see. 

I see my gifts.
I see my interests.
I see the ways He has geared me.
I see my unique-ness.
I see my potential.
I am starting to see my purpose.

Seeing all of this, coming at me in an onslaught of visions and dreams, scares me. A lot. I want to be brave, and brave does not really run in my bloodlines. Safe runs in my blood, and every time I choose brave, I fight against a strong current that wants to keep me mainstream. A current that seems safe, but is really a riptide of risks not taken, and a flood of mediocrity that threatens my sanity.

What is brave?

Brave is stepping out and trying something new.
Brave is taking chances.
Brave is trying, knowing that I could fail.
Brave is believing that I can succeed.
Brave is believing that I WILL succeed.
Brave is changing habits.
Brave is running, and falling, and getting up.
Brave is continuing to get up even after falling 99 times.
Brave is keeping on with the race until it's over.
Brave is being vulnerable.
Brave is being honest and real.
Brave is being myself.
Brave is trusting others.
Brave is forgiving others.
Brave is forgiving myself.
Brave is choosing Joy.
Brave is smiling at the days to come.
Brave is being thankful for everything, and asking for nothing to change.

A quote from one of my favorite bloggers, who was brave all of her days:

“I’ve learned to appreciate the simplicity in my moments. I’ve learned that being thankful in everything is more important than being thankful for something. I want to be grateful for everything in my life, not just the special moments.” Sara Frankl, Gitzengirl

We are human and we posses the unique ability to change...to change our habits, to change our attitudes, to change our hearts. We can change...we are not stuck. The road is hard and long and feels endless sometimes, with detours and closed roads and potholes and ditches. But today I will choose to believe that with God's grace, change is possible. Brave is possible. 

I can do hard things.

I CAN DO HARD THINGS.

Amen.

hooking up the hose

After several suggestions that I start my own blog, I'm doing it. As I sit here and hyperventilate about the fact that my words, my heart, my thoughts, are going to be out there on the internet for anyone to find and critique, I am hesitantly stepping forward, bound by a promise I made to my 9-year old daughter that I would publish this before I went to bed tonight! 

My life is full. I've been married to my high school sweetheart (cue "awww") for 13 years, and we have 4 beautiful, bright kids. Girl, boy, boy, boy. Lots of lightsabers and swords at our house! Our first 3 babies were born within 4 years of each other, but we waited another 4 years for our last. 

I love reading, journaling, good coffee, and heart connections with friends. I love God, and knowing Him is the greatest joy in my life. Since I was a little girl, my dream has been to stay home with my kids, and I've been livin' the dream for almost 10 years now. It's a fun, exhausting, wildly rewarding job, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

I'm totally new to this blogging thing. I don't know how to link to a picture, or to another website, or anything. (and what's a linky party?) But I do feel like I have a story to tell, even if only to a few. Where do I start? 

So, the name. I'll start with the name.

We all know the quote, "The grass is greener on the other side of the fence." For a long time, I've believed it. But it's a lie. The grass isn't greener on the other side. 

The grass is greener where you water it. 

If you don't water your grass, what do you get?

Dead grass.

If I'm really honest, most of my life I've envied other people's grass, their lives. Insecurity kept me from appreciating what I had, and all I could do was secretly wish I had what "they" had.

"That" husband, or "that" life, or "that" family, or "that" easy baby, or "that" much financial flexibility. 

Or even deeper, I wished for their giftings...their talents...their strengths, that seemed so much "more" than mine. More creative. More organized. More fun. My own grass, my life, dried up and all but died while I wasted time wishing for something other than the life the Lord had given me.

No more.

I am done. Done with dragging through life, unaware of the blessings I've been given. Done with wishing I had someone else's anything. Done with wishing I was like someone else. Done with the ingratitude.

Ingratitude is a lying thief. It's stolen moments and days and years of incredible gifts given. It's kept me busy with comparing (please tell me someone else struggles with this) and judging my life based on those around me, and has ultimately made me unhappy with myself. My life is whizzing by, and I've been sitting in a tollbooth, watching it happen, on a stool of ingratitude. 

The real truth? I am blessed beyond anything I deserve. My life is full of incredible beauty and gifts. And not just my husband, kids, and family, although they're amazing. Not just our health, or our laughter, or anything material that we possess, though it's plentiful. 

Everything. All things in life, the good and the bad. The easy and the hard. Being thankful doesn't mean being thankful only for the good stuff. It means being thankful for it all. 

For the mountain of laundry. 

For the never-ending dishes. 

For the challenges with friends. 

For the temper-tantruming two-year-old. 

Rejoice, pray, and in all things, give thanks...not just in the obvious blessings, but in ALL things...because it's all been through His hands before it hits my plate. 

It feels like I'm just waking up to my life...to my own gifts, to my own unique place in my little world, to the blessings, to the reality that I GET to live this life, I GET to have these kids, this house, this husband...I GET to!!! They are a gift, not a burden! THIS is my life, not the imaginary one I have dreamed up in my head. THIS is my life...this is MY grass. 

Time to hook up the hose. :)